Archive for Musings on Life

Everything happens for a reason

{ July 17, 2010 @ 8:26 am } · { Musings on Life, So this happened..., This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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So it’s been said that everything happens for a reason. I admit that’s kinda been my life mantra but why do we really say that? Is it just to make ourselves feel better? It seems to me that we only say that when bad things happen; we imply that this bad thing that has happened, has only happened so that we are able to experience the amazingly good thing that will happen to us in the future that we would never be privy to if this bad thing never happened.

Last week my world came crashing down. My hopes and dreams, plans and preparations, my future went down the drain, all initiated  by familial guilt and selfishness and propelled by my own sense of duty. In essence what that means is that I have a heart and I will be unhappy for however long I am condemned to my current reality.

The small chance exists however, that in a few months that mangled mess that is my life will somehow  be given the chance it has lost. A small part of me (the recently burnt, “expect the worst” part of me) thinks it might not happen, just because my life has been a constant stream of unhappiness. Some people may not believe me when I say that, but they don’t know me, they just think they do. I have had many blessings in my life but when I  look back to my life as a child and feel the pain wrap itself around me – all the blessings just don’t seem good enough, and that’s not right.

It could be that as they say the grass always looks greener on the other side. That might be true but I’d rather jump the fence and find out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be than to look longingly through the fence for the rest of my life.

If everything happens for a reason, I’m still waiting to find out what it is. Damn it, it better be good!!!!!

Where home is…

{ October 11, 2009 @ 6:13 am } · { Musings on Life }
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Tonight while bawling my eyes out (like its an art form or going out of style), I came upon the most profound realization; and though I would like to milk it for all its worth with a couple paragraphs worth of introspection, I find it best to keep it simple. Plus, I’m already too emotionally drained from all the bawling. Here goes…

“Home is not where you’re born, but where you belong”

Make of it what you may.

What is it to be a christian?

{ August 9, 2009 @ 1:49 am } · { Musings on Life, Religion }
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All my life, I’ve been going to church. Twenty five years of just going to church. Not really doing anything much except filling the pews. I never participated in skits or songs or activities, except for mandatory ones tied to being apart of one of the classes. I’ve been through the kindergarten, pre-teen, teen and young adult classes and finally I’ve made it to the big church. Yay.

The fact of the matter is this. I’m not a baptised member and I have no relationship with any one or anything that has to do with that church. Frankly I don’t even like it. At this moment I am totally apathetic to all things churchy, except for good singing.

This post is not about me disliking the church I attend or rebelling against church going in general. This post seeks find an answer to the question. What is it to be a Christian.

Living in the Caribbean, it is assumed that everyone is born a Christian. Everyone is born believing in God, Christ and the Devil and subsequently Heaven and Hell. But does believing in all those things make you a Christian.

I ask the question because as of late I am becoming increasingly annoyed at being as I like to call it “Christian profiled”.  People take one look at me and label me a Christian. Maybe its the purity written all over my natural hair, unpierced and untatooed body parts and my simple form of dress.  I don’t know.  I’ve been in church long enough to know that Christians aren’t supposed to look like the “world”. They’re supposed to look pure – like me. But somehow, I am finding it offensive – if only because I don’t know if I’m a Christian.

Aside from the fact that me being a “Christian” is blindingly obvious to some, I still get people who have the sense to not assume and ask me outright if I am actually a Christian. Sad to say, this annoys me even more. Frankly, I just don’t know.  I DON’T KNOW!!!! So I just say yes, ehhh sometimes I say no.

I try to do the right things – like most people. Frankly I have a serious conscience so lying and stealing come pretty hard to me. I am morally just but I have a very open mind to the opinions of others. Where does that leave me.

So, what says you?

What makes a Christian a Christian?

Part 2:Same old, Same Old

{ April 27, 2009 @ 2:44 am } · { Musings on Life }
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In the vein of my last post , I’ve come to realize that my life is monotonous, dull and boring because as it turns out, I don’t take risks.

I honestly can’t think of anything decision I have made in my entire life that I would count a life altering risk. Everything I have ever done seems like an activity following the natural progression of things; a few rare moments outside of my comfort zone sure but no life altering decisions.

In effect, my life and all that’s missing from it is as a direct result of fear. Simply put: I am afraid. Afraid of hurting and losing and failing. Now, I am not the kind of person who cares what people think. Frankly I label myself as a realist whose refuses to hold myself back in thoughts or words or actions because of what people think about me. Quite ironic because it seems I am holding myself back from the life I want just because of my own deep rooted fears.

Check out one of my fav poems (which I probably should be putting into practice based on the above revelation)
To Risk

Feeling like a failure

{ March 26, 2009 @ 9:16 am } · { Musings on Life, This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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With the economy being the way it is, I’m sure it doesn’t take much for a lot of us to feel like losers. People are losing their jobs, their minds, their grip on reality…then again reality pretty much sucks and you would think people would hold on to the safe harbour of their delusions and pick up some good old mental illness (seeped with a fantasy life) to get them through the day. But alas reality is just too real. It’s sad really, but what’s even more sad is that for the majority of us who still have jobs, life sucks anyway.

Now by the majority of us, I mean me, and I know if I start wallowing in all the crap I hate about my life, some happy whistling character is gonna skip on by and tell me to count my blessings. But the fact of the matter is my reality is my reality. So what if I have a job and a degree and a family and a roof over my head… I am unhappy.

People can’t be positive all the time because if you don’t recognize things in yourself and around you that you want to improve, you’ll be stuck in a rut for the rest of your life.

Case in point. I have a job. Do I like my job? No. In fact I get a panic attack or sink into major depression every other day because of my job. Should I count my blessing and spend the next 10 years slaving away having it chip away at my already fragile psyche? Why don’t you tell me.

In my present reality, my professional, personal, social and spiritual life sucks. I hate my job, am overweight, barely have more than 1 real friend, have no social life and am so miserably nonspiritual/irreligious that I find it had to believe I grew up, and am still living in a strict religious household.

I may sound like a whiny little punk, but this is my life and the worst part about it, is that knowing all that I hate about myself and where i am in my life, I can’t seem to find the push to get off my ass and do something about it.

Then again, things are easier said than done!!

Happy New Year my ass!

{ January 3, 2009 @ 7:18 am } · { Musings on Life }
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2009. You sneaky little bastard. Funny how I knew you were coming but you still managed to creep up behind me, bringing with you silly little mantra’s like “Its mine in 2009″. Ha. I guess its a natural progression; 2008 was all “2000 and love” because saying 2008 (hate) just brought out the worst in people. Now I’m not so sure how much love was shown in 2008 but considering that the definition of love in the world today is a little bit skewed, it probably didn’t amount to much. Then again maybe people in the eastern part of the world didn’t get the memo on the whole 2000 and love thing ’cause those Indian terrorist attacks, Hamas’ attack on Israel and the whole Bush shoe throwing incident seemed pretty 2000 and 8 (hate) to me.

But in any case people seemed to have gotten tired of dishing out the love. For 2009 they want to be selfish – “It’s mine in 2009″, they say. I’m sure that saying was made to make people feel better about the year to come, since 2008 was so mean. Anyway , I say “let people be selfish”. People are gonna do what they want to do anyway

Call me a cynical or a realist or a cynical realist if you’re so inclined but 2009 you wont pull one on me this year…oh no…just like last year I didn’t make any “resolutions” (in your face) but unlike last year, I made goals. Yes, goals. And I wrote them down, actually I typed them out. Now that may not mean much to you but to me that a serious step. You better watch your back ’09, ‘cuz its on like Donkey Kong. Throw me all the curve balls you can , I have a plan. That’s right, a plan (sorta)… and a budget..in EXCEL. Take that Global economic crisis.

Now on a personal level, you couldn’t even wait until Monday (when i had decided to be depressed ‘cuz I had to go back to that semi crappy job) to highlight all the shortcomings and annoyances in my life – like
1. My nonexistent love life
2. My lack of close personal relationships
3. The disdain I feel living in my parent’s house
4. The total hatred i have of said house (its totally disgusting)
5. My annoying parents …and
6. My total cluelesness as to my educational, professional and career path

oh nooooo, you just couldn’t help yourself, but that’s OK. Sure you had me popping Hershey’s kisses like they were gonna shut down the factory but its all good.

Now, I don’t know being the cynical realist that I am, how much positive attitude I can muster to get through those mega depressing days I know you have planned (especially ‘cuz I think only a really strong -or maybe stubborn-person chooses to mope and be depressed despite all the smiling faces and “go get em” of all the happy people); but you bet your bottom “inflation recession heavy” dollar that no matter how the year turns I’m not going down without a fight.

…and so ends my day…

{ April 15, 2008 @ 7:09 am } · { Musings on Life }
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So after a day of total professional unproductivity, being bored stiff and waiting 45 minuted for my ride home, my demeanor was just a tad bit on the moody side. That being said I decided to go home and work off all of that crappy feeling (plus I was going to work out anyway cuz i need to lose a couple pounds) and have a good night and maybe watch the batchelor and ofcourse right in this blog that I’ve neglected over the past couple of months (sorry).

So after about an hour of endorphin pumpin exercise it all ended in a climatic verbal SMACKDOWN (exaggeration for dramatic effect) with the one person who can make me feel the worst about myself in the shortest period of time known to man. Who could this person be, you wonder? Who knows how to make you feel like you’re the smallest person in the world, like nothing you do is right, like your opinions when pitted against their own will only end up being one thing…WRONG. Who you say? You guessed it… MY MOTHER!

Mothers everywhere (cuz i KNOW you ALL feel my pain) should deserve a prize for this marvelous talent they’ve honed over the centuries. I find it hard to believe that GOD would bestow such talent to all of the female persuasion once they’ve joined the “I AM A MOTHER” society, but alas I see no other way for such an unbridled and consistent distribution of demoralizing character traits being passed down from generation to generation.

I have so many memories, tear stained bed linens and angst driven poetry caused by the pain my mother, her raised eyebrows, a total lack of feeling and her demoralizing verbosity that if I went into it all, this might become a year long therapy session.

Thankfully (for you guys), I’ll spare you guys the drama since I’m SURE you have stories all of your own. Thankfully (for me), the endorphins have kicked back in. Later

the quest

{ February 3, 2008 @ 6:04 am } · { Musings on Life, This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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I see myself as a complicated and abnormal individual. Then again, I may just be full of myself.

I say this because even though I view myself as one big walking contradiction (a cornucopia of opposite traits, if you will), I realize that most people probably think of themselves that way too. We often build ourselves up (not necessarily in a good way) because we are obsessed with OUR feelings and OUR emotions, we think that OUR reality is unlike anybody else’s. As it is and should be. After all we have to live with ourselves thus we are the only one’s who know who we really are behind strained smiles and fake attitudes. Yet at the end of the day, we realize that we really don’t know who we are because with every day and every situation we, grow and we change and we surprise ourselves (& others) with the things we do.

We are continually on a quest to become our own best friends. We want to know ourselves and like ourselves and forgive ourselves at the drop of a hat. We want to support ourselves, spew words of encouragement when it warrants it and talk ourselves out of bad decisions. But… we can’t. You know why? Because we’re normal. That’s right normal.

We may be different; we like different things, think different ways but at our core we are normal. We like to think of ourselves as different because we are – there is nobody like us. We are unique. That’s why its so surprising when we realize that people like/dislike the same things that we do.

It builds a sense of camaraderie, we think..”this person just might get me”! And who wouldn’t want to be gotten. I mean, seriously, WHO?!? Even if you’re scared they may not like you…a small part of you wants to feel like you’re wanted and that you belong and that someone, anyone out there is even in the smallest of senses…JUST LIKE YOU!

Notes:

1. Good read “Everybody’s normal until you get to know them” – John Ortberg (I want that back by the way…*upcoming post – Never lend friends your books…let them get their own”

2. Upcoming posts stemming from this one — “My book list”, “Hi, I’m a Hypochondriac”, “Friendships..all you thought they’d be?…not quite”

…going to the chapel…

{ January 28, 2008 @ 9:22 am } · { Musings on Life }
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I don’t know about you, but it seems that marriage is becoming somewhat overly common. Now it just may be that people usually get married in their twenties, and as I am in my twenties it would be ‘normal’ that the ‘twenty-something’ people that I am acquainted with would somehow fall into that category.

However, I happen to find the whole shebang slightly distasteful. Don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely happy when people find “the one” and decide to make the leap to married bliss but it just seems to me that these decisions seem overly rushed and somewhat superfluous. I suppose with the world coming to an end and all that (so said by Matchbox 20– catchy song by the way) , its good to make all those lifetime decisions quickly (next -retire at thirty and take that cruise) and get in as much euphoria as you possibly can.

Now some people may say that I am just being judgemental of other people’s relationships, jealous cuz I’m not in one myself and bitter cuz my life’s not all I want it to be… and they may be right… they could also be wrong. But as I am in no mood to psycho analyze my thought process, belief system and emotional stability, let’s just say they’re wrong.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to matters of life and love and doing what makes YOU happy. So who’s to say the whole thing just seems pretty irksome and annoying? That’s right…ME!!

ps.. This has nothing to do with the fact that I just watched 27 Dresses–good movie, total chick flick, guys beware!!

Just another day…

{ December 9, 2007 @ 7:43 am } · { Musings on Life }
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Its no fun being sick. No fun at all, and yet we oftentimes wish we were sick just to get out of seemingly unpleasant situations. Yeah, weird logic – I know. Well, I’m sick right now and though I didn’t wish to be sick, I can honestly say that in this moment I know the value of good health. If I wasn’t sick right now, I could be somewhere else other that at home on a Saturday night, watching boring tv. The fact that I would have been at home on a Saturday night, watching boring tv anyway, is inconsequential.

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