So it’s been said that everything happens for a reason. I admit that’s kinda been my life mantra but why do we really say that? Is it just to make ourselves feel better? It seems to me that we only say that when bad things happen; we imply that this bad thing that has happened, has only happened so that we are able to experience the amazingly good thing that will happen to us in the future that we would never be privy to if this bad thing never happened.
Last week my world came crashing down. My hopes and dreams, plans and preparations, my future went down the drain, all initiated by familial guilt and selfishness and propelled by my own sense of duty. In essence what that means is that I have a heart and I will be unhappy for however long I am condemned to my current reality.
The small chance exists however, that in a few months that mangled mess that is my life will somehow be given the chance it has lost. A small part of me (the recently burnt, “expect the worst” part of me) thinks it might not happen, just because my life has been a constant stream of unhappiness. Some people may not believe me when I say that, but they don’t know me, they just think they do. I have had many blessings in my life but when I look back to my life as a child and feel the pain wrap itself around me – all the blessings just don’t seem good enough, and that’s not right.
It could be that as they say the grass always looks greener on the other side. That might be true but I’d rather jump the fence and find out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be than to look longingly through the fence for the rest of my life.
If everything happens for a reason, I’m still waiting to find out what it is. Damn it, it better be good!!!!!
