Archive for This is my life – personal thoughts and feelings

Trapped in the prison of my life

{ September 13, 2010 @ 8:03 am } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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It is exactly four years and one month since I graduated college with my Bachelors degree and the only thing I have accomplished thus far is holding down a job. Sorry to those of you who think that means something, but to me that is not much of an accomplishment. Being able to hold down a job is to me, directly related to my competence and I already know I am competent. It has nothing to do with the economy which in turn has no relation to the achievements (or lack thereof in my personal/adult life). Please let’s not have an argument about this.

So four years later, it seems I am still stuck in this bubble that I started in. How absolutely depressing!! No goals, no dreams, no plans, no drive…nothing. Ok, so my life is not absolutely destitute of dreams but I put them in the category of “things I would just like to do” like go to Japan or Australia, speak a couple of languages fluently or even go back to school.

I am stuck in a job where job mobility and job satisfaction is a dream and in fact working there is not what I had in mind when I left college but hey I know I have company in that department. Post college reality is a punch in the gut for many of us (I think we need a support group)

The worse part is that I just can’t seem to get over myself, break out, challenge myself and try all the things I want to. I am in this prison of … something I just can’t put my name on.

I’ve always dreamt of leaving home but never once in my teenage or college years actively put plans in place to do that on a permanent level. I’ve always thought that if I could just get away from all the people who “think” they know me and the place where I am supposed to be “a certain kind of person” that I could be the best version of myself. I am probably wrong but i feel like my life so far has been this prison where idiom’s such as “the grass is always greener on the other side” is answered by only if you “walked a mile in my shoes”.

Maybe I was scared, being an only child and all and somehow I resent my parents for not knowing me enough as a child/person and helping me grow to explore the things I liked, pushing me in those directions and helping me be the person I want to become. which as of now, I still have no idea who that is. I know I can’t blame them for it and it’s all up to me now, but how that resentment still lingers.

Funnily enough, I unintentionally had the opportunity to do one of those “things I would just like to do” (which I alluded to in a couple posts back) but leave it to parents to slash your plans to bits. A friend asked me if I’ve forgiven them for royally screwing me over but deep down I don’t think I have. All I wanted to do was be an adult and live my life and they took that away from me. Even thinking about it now I realize just how much it hurts. I am over the point of hating them or being angry, now I am just hurt. Plain and simple. I guess even parent make mistakes, huh. This I keep learning every flipping year of my life. I suppose if I had older siblings, my parents would have gotten more practice, but let’s not dwell on what if’s – God know I do enough of it everyday.

So here I am doing what I’ve been doing the past four years…wondering where my life is going. God what is wrong with me!!!!!

Everything happens for a reason

{ July 17, 2010 @ 8:26 am } · { Musings on Life, So this happened..., This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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So it’s been said that everything happens for a reason. I admit that’s kinda been my life mantra but why do we really say that? Is it just to make ourselves feel better? It seems to me that we only say that when bad things happen; we imply that this bad thing that has happened, has only happened so that we are able to experience the amazingly good thing that will happen to us in the future that we would never be privy to if this bad thing never happened.

Last week my world came crashing down. My hopes and dreams, plans and preparations, my future went down the drain, all initiated  by familial guilt and selfishness and propelled by my own sense of duty. In essence what that means is that I have a heart and I will be unhappy for however long I am condemned to my current reality.

The small chance exists however, that in a few months that mangled mess that is my life will somehow  be given the chance it has lost. A small part of me (the recently burnt, “expect the worst” part of me) thinks it might not happen, just because my life has been a constant stream of unhappiness. Some people may not believe me when I say that, but they don’t know me, they just think they do. I have had many blessings in my life but when I  look back to my life as a child and feel the pain wrap itself around me – all the blessings just don’t seem good enough, and that’s not right.

It could be that as they say the grass always looks greener on the other side. That might be true but I’d rather jump the fence and find out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be than to look longingly through the fence for the rest of my life.

If everything happens for a reason, I’m still waiting to find out what it is. Damn it, it better be good!!!!!

So…it’s my birthday

{ May 29, 2010 @ 10:50 pm } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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Birthdays – an event which highlights how little I’ve accomplished in my lifetime.

Reflection on a non-existent life

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:06 pm } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair.

Alfred Tennyson (1809 – 1892)

There was a time in my life it seems, when I used to feel something. It seems a weird thing to say, I guess since as humans we all have feelings and they never fail to remind us on a daily basis that they exist. We go through a wealth of emotions every single day ranging from the sublime to the outrageous. I for one, have a very close relationship with my feelings. I’m one of those ultra sensitive persons who can’t help but feel the deepest emotions for the seemingly most trite and unimportant action, statement, situation or event. It’s a curse. It seems I am cursed with my feelings.

If it wasn’t for the way I feel when I experience them, I might actually consider them friends. So dependable they are, so ever ready to envelope you in their presence, they bring a sort of painful comfort, these emotions and yet I could never consider them friends though my list of friends would subsequently be increased with them on it. The underlying factor about friendship…is trust. You have to trust them. And I don’t. How Can I? Emotions are irrational reactions to the hum and buzz or in my case the bore and quiet of every day life. You just can’t trust them!!

As a “post college/ unemployed real world deficient 20+er”, my life is what you would call “not as I expected”. Granted my whole life was not what I expected, why should my raging twenties be any different? Sure to most people, I have a good life, without going into details lets just say that its “comfortable” in comparison to most of the world’s population. But then again…the grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it? The fact is for the past 5 months, I’ve sent out more resumes than I can count and as the rejections pile up, those written or otherwise (shall we say ignored), lets just say that I don’t really feel all that good about my life.

Now, many people would love to have the privilege of living with their parents rent free right out of college, having your mother cook you dinner and having your father give you an allowance. But to me all of that spells failure. Me. A failure. The girl who pushed through college to get relatively straight A’s. The girl who everybody told was smart and who every body believed, no KNEW would be successful in life. That girl is me!

Did Webster’s change the definition of success? I don’t think so. The funny thing is that for the past five months I don’t really think I felt depressed about my present situation. Sure I felt down sometimes, but I didn’t feel depressed about it. I didn’t cry myself to sleep, beating myself up about what a useless waste of space I am. I didn’t feel all that bad about my inability to get a job, my lack of friends, my perfectly non-existent social life. No. I didn’t. I was numb. Numb.

Do I even know that word? Me who experienced ragingly black, tortured emotions as often as some people drink coffee. Yeah, me. I was numb.

But it seems maybe I wasn’t. It seems there is a conspiracy. My mind and my emotions have plotted against me, made me forget the pain. The pain I’ve felt over these 5 months. Did they do it for my own good or to use as ammunition to mock me later? Should I even ask? Does it even matter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So this i’s another little entry I found from a while back. I don’t even know if it makes ant sense. Just a rambling of feelings.

Good Enough

{ October 10, 2009 @ 8:42 pm } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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I sit, while the battle inside me rages. I sit, as the heartache fills my soul. Emotions, like torpedoes crash within me trying to break the facade I’ve spent years trying to build. I close my eyes and block out the images right in front of me. Images that somehow plot against me in this war. Images that with a glance sends more torpedoes my way. Like land mines, they are. I look at them and they seem free from all evil, free from causing me harm, but in a split second, they explode, they hit the spot and I fall to pieces. My graduation picture on the wall. Who knew that the smiling happy face, a memory of times gone by, a reminder of what I have accomplished would be the cause of such sorrow. I try not to hear what seems like simple enough statements and inquiring questions, questions that to anyone else seem innocent and pure, free of innuendo. Questions and statements, which seem to define me and bring my inadequacy to the surface. Questions which remind me of how much I lack.

I’ve closed my eyes. I‘ve blocked my ears – but it seems I’ve lost the battle before I’d even begun. My memories mock me, they laugh in my face, they’ve conspired with reality and flash images that burn to the core. Images that remind me that I have lost the battle this time, just like I’ve lost it all the times before. The wall begins to crack and I can feel myself plummet to the depths of despair. I open my eyes and I am blinded by my tears, my throat begins to constrict and I gasp for air. As I sit in this torture chamber, my parents the enemy. I try to win the final battle. I scream within myself “Don’t let them see you cry, don’t let them see you cry”. Tears escape me and I try to wipe them away, but alas they just keep coming. Did anyone see, I doubt it. After twenty-two years I suppose I should be proud of winning one battle. They’ve never seen me cry, they’ve never seen me cry from the losing battle that rages within me. Score one more for me.

It’s funny though, funny how I still feel like I’ve lost.

What does it take for me to be good enough, to feel good enough?

Good enough to like myself.
Good enough to feel pretty.
Good enough to get a job.
Good enough to find someone who loves me.
Good enough to have true friends.
Good enough to be happy.
Good enough to not cry myself to sleep every night.
Good enough to not feel like a bum.
Good enough to feel like I deserve the things I have.
Good enough to have a life.
Obviously I am not good enough.
Me with my degree from college.
Me with my years on the dean’s list
Me with all my accomplishments.
Me obeying my parents.
Me not doing drugs.
Me not smoking cigarettes.
Me just being their wonderful little girl.
It seems I would be good enough if I was a lot of different things
but essentially I would be good enough…If I wasn’t me!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I stumbled upon this entry I wrote 3 years ago and I honestly can’t specifically remember what happened to make me feel this way. I had just graduated college, couldn’t find a job, was back to living with my parents and felt inadequate, unaccomplished and like a failure. My parents, I think were badgering me with questions, somehow making me feel bad or maybe I was making myself feel bad (who knows) and I somehow thought -  These people don’t know me at all. How could two people not know their only child. I felt like they didn’t appreciate me. I was the most obedient child, never rebellious, did well in school and yet they took all that for granted.

The funny thing is  – not much has changed. Deep down I still feel like that girl three years ago. I still feel like I’m not good enough, even though “good” is all I try to be. That’s me – “The good girl”… Go figure.

Same old, Same old…

{ April 26, 2009 @ 10:08 pm } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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As I wake up on this not so bright Sunday Morning and recall flashbacks of the oh so depressing Saturday Night before, where I basically stared at my pc all night and accomplished nothing, not even mindless entertainment; and then think to my day ahead of me, it all becomes sadly obvious that my life is being stifled by absolute monotony.

Doing the same things over and over is taking a toll, so much so that I literally feel to hide under the covers and be a total bum.

Then to top it off, I am suffering brain rot because there is absolutely no thought required for the work I do and I have no intellectual stimulation elsewhere.

Where the hell do I go from here?

…about that plan (miniblog #1)

{ April 14, 2009 @ 4:30 am } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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Wow, I am exhausted. I just started looking at careers and universities, ok ok one university and the available programs and prices…boy am I overwhelmed.

Where do I begin?? Anyone out there with any suggestions of how to plan a career path and further your studies, please feel free to throw some words my way.

Ugh, I think I’m going to lie down. Later.

My life in song – Part 1

{ April 13, 2009 @ 9:35 pm } · { Music Minutes, This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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So after years of introspection and continuous ipod use I’ve found a rare gem. You might not think it’s a rare gem but I do.  For me, hearing the words of a song that appropriately captures your life is a precious thing.  Hearing music and lyrics speak to you about you is a religious experience all on its own.  (See Bonus at end)

This might be a little lengthy but I feel that my current awareness of my life is so perfectly captured in this song by 3 Doors Down that it’s worth sharing. Sure I could just link you to a youtube video but the fact of the matter is that this, this right here is pure poetry and should also be appreciated as such. Enjoy.

3 Doors Down : It’s The Only One You’ve Got

How do you know where you’re going
When you don’t know where you’ve been
You hide the shame that you’re not showing
And you won’t let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you’re walking alone
And now you think that you’re the only
One who doesn’t

Have to try
And you won’t have to fail
If you’re afraid to fight
Then I guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there’s something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you’re not
You’ve got to live this life you’re given
Like it’s the only one you’ve got

Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You’re scared to look back on the days before
You’re too tired to move on
And now you think that you’re the only one who doesn’t
Have to try
And you won’t have to fail

If you’re afraid to fight
Then I guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there’s something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you’re not
You’ve got to live this life you’re given
Like it’s the only one you’ve got

What would it take
To get you to say that I’ll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life

You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there’s something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you’re not
You’ve got to live this life you’re given
Like it’s the only one you’ve got

You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there’s something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you’re not

You’ve got to live this life you’re given
Like it’s the only one you’ve go

~!~!~!~!~!~!~

Bonus: Another favourite of mine

3 Doors Down : Pages

What happens to a man when
He spills his heart on a page and
He watches words flow away then
His feelings lie on the page alone
There waiting
For someone who cares to read them
To open their eyes to see them
To see if they can make his thoughts their own
To find out that maybe your life’s not perfect
Maybe it’s not worth what he gives away

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain, watch me fall apart

What happens to a soul when
It’s trapped inside his emotions
And all of these words he’s spoken
They bind him to the life he’s left behind
And every new step he takes
He knows that he might not make it
To all of these dreams that he has yet to find

Maybe your life’s not perfect
But maybe it’s not worth what he gives away
You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart
As i fall apart.

~!~!~!~!~!~!~

I think I’m gonna need me a plan, Part 1

{ April 13, 2009 @ 8:42 pm } · { This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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…and when I say plan, I mean a life plan. ” How have I made it through 24 years of my life without a plan?”, you may ask. Good question. I would answer, unsuccessfully.

Now we can go into the unending discussion of what one may deem a success. A college education? A steady job? A social life outside the four walls of your house? A fulfilling intimate relationship? Well frankly, that definition all depends on you; but for me a successful life equals happiness. Not a drunk induced haze of happiness, but the kind of happiness where you can look around at all the things you’ve accomplished and feel good about them; where you can look at your life and feel proud of where you are and where you’re going.

So based on that simply put definition and based on the fact that I have no idea where I am going (hence the need for a plan), I feel the need to plan me some happiness.

Therein lies the problem.

You see, living with myself for a couple of years now,  I’ve come to realize a few things. I’m a pretty smart girl. Mind you, someone tells me this almost every day and if I think about it, I’ve been hearing that all my life. As you can imagine, looking at my life today as a non-success and feeling that I should have accomplished more by now because of all that’s been said about my ahem “brilliance” (dryly said) just cements that fact that if something doesn’t happen soon, I’ll find myself locked in a dark room refusing to come out because my fragile psyche will be afraid to face the fact that life is going on without me.

Here are some other things I found out about myself over the years (to be elaborated on in the upcoming blogisode):-

1. I have no ambition
2. I am lazy
3. I have no sticktoitivity
4. I am a walking ball of fear; and
5. I am really bad at decision making

So now that I know this and you know this, what are we going to do about it?

Feeling like a failure

{ March 26, 2009 @ 9:16 am } · { Musings on Life, This is my life - personal thoughts and feelings }
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With the economy being the way it is, I’m sure it doesn’t take much for a lot of us to feel like losers. People are losing their jobs, their minds, their grip on reality…then again reality pretty much sucks and you would think people would hold on to the safe harbour of their delusions and pick up some good old mental illness (seeped with a fantasy life) to get them through the day. But alas reality is just too real. It’s sad really, but what’s even more sad is that for the majority of us who still have jobs, life sucks anyway.

Now by the majority of us, I mean me, and I know if I start wallowing in all the crap I hate about my life, some happy whistling character is gonna skip on by and tell me to count my blessings. But the fact of the matter is my reality is my reality. So what if I have a job and a degree and a family and a roof over my head… I am unhappy.

People can’t be positive all the time because if you don’t recognize things in yourself and around you that you want to improve, you’ll be stuck in a rut for the rest of your life.

Case in point. I have a job. Do I like my job? No. In fact I get a panic attack or sink into major depression every other day because of my job. Should I count my blessing and spend the next 10 years slaving away having it chip away at my already fragile psyche? Why don’t you tell me.

In my present reality, my professional, personal, social and spiritual life sucks. I hate my job, am overweight, barely have more than 1 real friend, have no social life and am so miserably nonspiritual/irreligious that I find it had to believe I grew up, and am still living in a strict religious household.

I may sound like a whiny little punk, but this is my life and the worst part about it, is that knowing all that I hate about myself and where i am in my life, I can’t seem to find the push to get off my ass and do something about it.

Then again, things are easier said than done!!

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